I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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