I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
