You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Randomize
