My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
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I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
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I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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