my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
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