Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
