escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
