found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
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the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
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You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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