I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Randomize
