i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
