i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
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