I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
