he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
