You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Sext me about skeletons
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
