Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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