she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
