I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
