Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
