you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
