i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
