i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
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