apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
