have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
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