I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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