I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Randomize
