I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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