You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
