he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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