Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
