i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
