I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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