I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
