if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
we're making bets on your personal life
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
