Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
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