the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Randomize
