Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
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it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
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I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.