it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
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Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
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Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.