I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
19 People That Found Pubes In All The Wrong Places
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
These 21 People Came Up With Hilarious Excuses For Their Hickies
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.