mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
21 Ladies Reveal The Sexiest Thing A Man Can Do In A Public Setting
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
These 19 Underage Drinkers Epicly Got By With A Horrible Fake ID
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.