I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.