foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
