Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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