I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
