went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
