my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
ugly people sure do ruin things
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
