I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
