I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
