then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Randomize
