I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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