Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
