Can i not drive my cunt home
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize