We won't sleep together?
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
