After last night, I could never be a politician.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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