he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
