If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
