I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
