ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
