Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
